Modern television production is hardly a realm renowned for a razor-sharpness of intellect, yet over the weekend just-gone, Virgin Media’s Electronic Programme Guide (that thing that tells you what show you’re watching) developed its own artificial intelligence and took it upon itself to save we filth-minded Britons from our own potty mouths. Either that or the EPG was just bust. One or the other.   

So whose were the same-rudie names which were blotted out? For starters, legendary filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock, legendary author Charles Dickens, and legendary Michael Jackson-botherer Jarvis Cocker – they magically becoming Hitchc**k, D***ens and C**ker respectively.  

Far from being finished there, the maladroit EPG was only just warming up: a documentary about the joys of navigating the inland waterways of Britain was renamed The Golden Age of Ca**ls, while Will Smith’s 2008 superhero blockbuster was rechristened Hanc**k. And which teams were involved in the weekend’s big footy game? Only Manchester City and A***nal. Mmm, that’s right.

In truth, as ba**l and b*mptious as the world of UK television production can often be, it’s probably not yet so outrageously offensive that the EPG’s high-minded ministrations were required. It is likely merciful therefore that the swear-spotting glitch has apparently now been rectumfied… sorry, rectified.

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